The rollercoaster

So it's been almost a month since the original phone call that ripped our lives apart. In that time he's been by to see the kids twice.

Twice.

I should be surprised, but sadly I'm not. He does travel a lot, and so he's not always around. And after a couple days of calling pretty religiously, he's stopped doing even that.

A lot has happened in that time, including his rush to find a mediator so we can 'proceed'. When I asked what the rush was, he responded that he wanted to move forward "in case he met someone". Since he's been unfaithful multiple times in the past, I suppose I should be happy that he at least is trying to end one relationship before starting another. Of course considering the emails suggesting an affair, maybe I'm being too optimistic.

Its funny because I'm kind of numb about it all; I just don't think I care anymore what he's doing, who he's screwing, etc. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it means I'm moving on. But then I get the cell phone bill showing the $700 he spent while in Europe- there are two numbers in particular that were repeated, over and over. One belongs to the woman he's accused of having the affair with, the other to an old girlfriend. And I feel like I've been kicked in the chest.

It suggests that all the words he used to soothe my fragile feelings were all lies. He obviously wasn't too busy to talk to the kids, and while he protests that there is no one else, that seems pretty laughable as well. I keep thinking back to this weird question he asked me two months ago, if women would find it easier to break up with someone who was cheating on them, or just 'wasn't in love' with them anymore. I said the latter, and now it seems pretty suspicious that that's the line I'm being fed.

But why should that matter to me? He's a manipulator; I've known that for a while, and I find it somewhat scary that all of my friends are cheering my divorce instead of mourning the end of my marriage. Several of our couple's therapists suggested that I would be better off without someone who treated me so poorly. Everyone thinks this is great news- except me and the kids. And I thought I was at the point where I could see his flaws so clearly and was able to walk away without looking back.

And yet I can't help it. When he's gone, it's so clear what I should do. But when he's there, interacting with the kids, I lose it. I forget all the lies, the manipulations, the put-downs. I mourn the loss of what we had and wish we could find a way to rebuild. And then he leaves again and I hate myself for not being able to cut him off as easily as he cut me. Up and down, round and round, spiraling on what appears a collision course- that's me when he calls or emails or visits.

I suppose the only good thing is that he rarely does any of those things.

So I will separate the cell phone bills so he pays his own plan and I don't have to see who he's talking to at 11 pm at night. And I will enjoy that gentle scenic part of the ride- like the first half of Splash Mountain- before I'm sucked into plunging down the emotional rollercoaster my life has become.