A Kid Moment

Okay, this isn't going to be about my divorce, but it's a little sad and a little funny (kinda like my life right now), so I thought I'd blog it anyway.

Our cat died horribly last week. He was hit by a car, but it looked like either a raccoon or coyote might have gotten to him first. The only reason we could tell it was Tom was because he had jumped on the kitchen counter and gotten a fly trap stuck to his tail right before he ran outside. The trap was still on the body when we found him. It was very messy and horrible, and unfortunately both kids saw it.

Needless to say, we were all crushed.

So I went out with a shovel and a box so I could take him to the vet's. As a complete aside, the most wonderful woman, a stranger, saw me sobbing on the street and stopped. She hugged me while I cried and then picked up the body for me- it really reaffirmed my faith in both God and people.

M was really upset about Tom's death and wanted to take him to a pet cemetary. That wasn't really practical, so I opted for a private cremation so we could get Tom's ashes back. I thought we could have a little memorial service and bury his ashes, giving the kids some closure.

But M was upset that I had taken the body to the vet. He wanted a burial, with Tom's body intact. The scavengers had already been attacking the organs and body parts strewn across the street; I didn't know how to explain to M that it wasn't a good idea to bury the body for fear that it would be dug up again. Haltingly, I tried to point out that the body was damaged badly and it was better that the body be cremated before we buried it.

M thought about it for awhile while I stumbled through different reasons until he patted my hand.

"It's okay Mom, I understand."

I looked at him in confusion. None of my arguments had made any sense to me.

"You do?"

M nodded solemnly. "Yes. We can't bury Tom because of the zombies."

So I haven't blogged for awhile, mainly because being a single mom has been keeping me very busy. Add in work, trying to get T's stuff moved out, and holidays, and I'm barely keeping my head above water.

There's been a lot of ups and downs, but I've gotten to a good place. A place where I breathe and just focus on the moment and what I can control. I'm almost to the point where I realize I'm better off without him- not just the words and logical understanding, but an honest, emotional realization. I am better off without him. It's a big step. It doesn't mean I don't still occasionally miss him, but for the most part I'm content. I don't read his blog, don't check if he's online, don't really think about him at all. I feel like I'm moving on.

Which is supposedly what he wants, right? At least that's what he's been saying. But tonight I'm out to dinner with the boys, and he sends me an email about a discussion we had a month ago.

"You know, before you start complaining about my family marginalizing you and cutting you off, maybe you ought to think about how you came across to them over the years."

He then copies part of a chain email where his sister rips me apart for an incident fifteen years ago.

What is the point of that? I don't send him emails from my friends and family talking or complaining about his faults. And I find it somewhat cruel when he knows I miss his family and he gleefully points out that they apparently don't miss and may have even disliked me. How am I supposed to respond to that? Worse yet, how do I continue to negotiate in good faith with a person I no longer recognize?