I have always despised those parents (usually mothers) who try and use their children to get back at their divorcing spouses. And yet, just like people cannot understand what it's like to be the parent of a special-needs child (or a parent at all) until it happens to them, I fell into that trap during a particularly vicious fight with T.

Trying to explain how certain of his actions were hurting my feelings, only to experience the reality that he really didn't care, led to a bout of name-calling and mud-slinging on both sides. Unwilling to cede the last word to him, frustrated at his ego-centric world view, I told him that I was changing the Halloween plans (we were each taking M for half of the night) and going to a friend's Halloween party. He could see M another time.

My glory at listening to him stream invectives was short lived however. When I told M that he wasn't going to see his dad for trick-or-treating, he was crushed. And so was I. I hate T so much for what he was putting us through, especially how he was handling it, that I wanted my kids to hate him too. I wanted them to see how selfish and unfair he was being, to understand that I was the one doing all the sacrificing while he went off and partied. I wanted them to take my side and reject him, just like he was rejecting me.

And I realized how selfish that was of me.

So I let M call his dad and tell him that they could go trick or treating. And I sent an email to T apologizing for trying to use the kids to get back at him.

And when I found out that the trick-or-treating at the mall ended at 7 (the time T was supposed to pick him up), I swallowed my anger and called T so he could meet us an hour earlier. Tried to put my son's interest in front of my own. And when M wanted T to join us for dinner, I let him and didn't say a mean word the entire time. I prompted M to tell his dad about different things that he had been doing.

But what did I get out of this?

A snarky reply to my apologizing email saying I still needed to apologize for other things I had said that night. (Not that he apologized for anything he said or did). Not one word of thanks for me either calling him about the time so he could trick or treat or inviting him to dinner. Instead he invited himself to M's last football game (which we weren't sure we were going to, but he decreed that M had to as he was part of the team) and when I called him on it later over email, saying he had no right to dictate these things without talking to me first, he chewed me out and said he had every right as M's father.

So now I'm back at where I started, hating him and his inability to compromise, feeling powerless in the destruction of our relationship where he holds all the cards. The only card in my possession are the kids- and while I hope I'm the kind of person who could put my children in front of myself, I have a lot more sympathy for those people who don't.